Our sense of self and personality formation arise out of our early experiences of relational life. In this framework, Donald Winnicott discussed the nature of impingement. An impingement is anything that takes the little one – whether prenatally, during birth or in infancy – out of a most basic state of being.
Winnicott believed that little ones must be protected from impingements in order to develop an inner continuity of being, where there is an experience of a consistent and cohesive beingness at the core of the developing self-system. Within this framework a fluid and non-defensive sense of self can emerge out of the early conditions experienced by the little one. Otherwise, an overly defended self – with a loss of continuity of being – will develop out of these early relational experiences.
Ideally, the little one is allowed to openly explore his or her world within what Winnicott called a good-enough holding environment provided by the young one’s primary caregivers – mother. father and anyone in a protective holding role. When external impingements are present without a reassuring and consistent holding field, overwhelming and long lasting defensive, protective responses may emerge. Depending on the developmental phase and degree of insult experienced, an overly defended self-system will be generated.
Frank Lake, one of the early fathers of a pre- and perinatal paradigm of self-formation, talked about the basic needs of all humans at the level of being. These were basic needs that are met or not met within the experience of the relational holding field, again that of primary caregivers. These basic needs at the level of being are really with us all through life. They are: recognition, acknowledgement and unconditional acceptance at the level of our very being.
Imagine you are in the presence of a very young baby. You look at her, you smile and you receive her deeply. She senses this though relational resonance and attunement, supported by the neurobiology of mirror neurons and felt-experience. You gaze at her. receive her and say, “I see you!!!” she feels recognised, “Yes you are here!!!” she feels acknowledged, “And you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are!!! and she feels unconditionally accepted at the very level of her being. Inwardly, the little one senses, “I am and I deserve to be!!!” —a wonderful baseline for all of life.
Here the caregiver has attuned to the little one in a receptive state, a state of presence not contaminated by personality issues, a being-to-being state of attunement and responsiveness. We seek these basic needs to be met throughout life. We seek relationships where we feel met, received and unconditionally accepted at the level of our very being.
A truly good friend receives us at this deepest level, yet is not collusive in destructive patterns that we may engage in. It is not our behaviour that needs to be accepted, but our very existence. A good friend or intimate other fully accepts us at the deepest level, but will not be collusive where our behaviour or projections are destructive or create pain for self or others. He or she might say. “I accept you at the level of your very being, I truly love you, but I have doubts about what you are doing just now in your life.” Warmth and acceptance are present, with a discerning relationship to the conditions of life.
Within a Buddhist context this also corresponds to the field of metta – loving kindness and unconditional acceptance. Metta is considered to be one of the four brahma viharas – the illimitable states of mind. The other three are karuna – compassion, mudita – sympathetic joy, or joy-in-resonance, and upekkha – a state of equanimity. We will return to this territory later, with more depth and within a wider time framing, when we consider how an individual might recover from their deepest woundings and return to a state of non-defended-ness and inner beingness.
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